Blown Away Our Four Leaf Clover
All right. After six weeks of polling i've gotten four really good friendship-fertility-sensitivity comments; one here, two on facebook, and one in real life. The definite consensus is that I need to back the F off and let my friend stay away from me and deal with my pregnancy on her own terms and in her own time. I had a feeling this was the right answer, and I'm just going to have to learn not to be selfish about it like I've been this time.
But she came to our fourth of July party when I didn't think she would. It was the first time I'd seen her since I think January, and she mostly avoided me but did hug me and say "Wow, look at you!" and that was that. Her husband is ignoring me almost equally, and I don't know if that's because he feels it like she does or if he's just being on her side.
So I'll wait and see how it goes. I hope they'll want to be friends after we have the baby, that maybe it is as some suggested that she can't be around me while I have a baby in my belly, that it's that fact that keeps her wanting to stay away, and that she'll be okay with things after the baby's born. I'll be patient, I don't think my feelings are the most important in our scenario anymore. Now my major emotion is feeling bad that I'm causing her to feel bad, that I've got something going on that she wants more than anything in the world.
I'm 33 weeks, which means 7 weeks to go. I'm enormous. Some people have told me I barely look pregnant, which tells me that I must normally look like a giant humongous tube, so it's not a compliment to say such things. Probably telling me I look extremely pregnant is the better way to go. I'm starting to get a little fearful, which is no good for anybody. I'm scared my labor will be too long again; I'm scared my labor will be too short. I'm scared I'll have a weird complication at the birth center and die. I'm scared I'll have a stroke or get a migraine during labor. I'm scared the baby is too big. I'm scared I haven't been working out enough (read: at all) and won't have the stamina for natural childbirth again. I'm scared I won't remember how to do it. I'm scared that my inlaws will come to watch Stealthpunch Jr. when we go to the birth center and then they'll be mad when we kick them out when we get home in order to bond with the new baby. I'm scared Stealthpunch Jr. will be upset that there's a new baby in his house. What I'm not scared of is that we won't have enough girl baby clothes, because the amount of clothing donated to us from friends has been astounding. If you need baby girl clothes in about a year, just ask.
I've been listening to the hypnobirthing relaxation CD every night, and every night I fall asleep before they get to the secret message that will make everything okay. It goes, "And if you start to feel afraid, ...." and then I wake up right after they've said what to do. So I still don't know. I guess I should listen to it during daylight hours when I'm not exhausted, but not while I'm driving, just in case.
Tomorrow night is Tears For Fears at the Saratoga Mountain Winery. I have only average seats and not really good seats for the first time in several years, so I won't be able to send subliminal messages to Roland eyeball-to-eyeball. It'll be great to be there, and I'm just crossing my fingers that Stealthpunch Jr. goes to sleep and doesn't cry like a maniac like he has been for the past two weeks while his Grammy and Grandpa babysit him. The other night his Nana and Papa watched him while Gray and I went to see Bruno (don't see Bruno if you have even an ounce of prudishness in you) and it was tough. It's all because he's transitioning to a big boy bed from a crib, and there are lots of issues involved. Next up on the too many changes list: potty training, going to pre-preschool 2 mornings a week, and getting a baby sister.
Now I have to go re-stock the refrigerator with beer. Two New Jersey cousins are here, ages 23 and 20, and tonight they drank a 24 pack of the Sierra Nevada I was saving for the second I am no longer pregnant. When they started asking about after dinner drinks I feigned ignorance because there's no way I'm sharing the good stuff. I won't be pregnant forever.